The World Wide Webbs: Our Five Year Old Felon

Wednesday, September 28, 2016

Our Five Year Old Felon

Case Number: CJW09272011
Incident: Turning One Year Older
Date: September 27, 2016
Reporting Offer: Ashley C. Webb

Official Police Report:
At approximately 2:16pm on Tuesday, September 27th the perp Cameron Webb, age 5, was reported by neighbors for turning a year older and charged with a disorderly conduct citation because this is absolutely illegal and such behavior will not be tolerated. Suspect is currently being charged with felony-count ageing and will be required to perform 70 hours of community service, and also will not be able to grow any older.

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From the mouths of babes...

8/24/16: Cameron to Ashley: "Your lover is home." "Are you going to the temple with your lover?" "Where did your lover go?" (He calls Luke my lover and it kills me every time.)
8/8/16: While saying the prayer the night before school started... Brooklyn: "...And please bless mom while she's home alone... all by herself... without anyone... while all of us are gone... that she won't cry. (Oh, I think I'll be JUST FINE, thankyouverymuch.)
3/7/16: Cameron: "Mom, does Heavenly Father like us?" Ashley: "Of course! He loves us." Cameron: "THEN WHY DID HE MAKE SPIDERS!?!"
12/4: At Walmart with Bailey and Cameron, Bailey started to get a little fussy and I said, "We'd better go. She's starting to have a melt-down." Cameron asked what that meant and I said it meant she was getting fussy and wanted to leave. Then... our checkout took FOREVER, and Cameron started to get very impatient. In the middle of his mini-tantrum he wined really loudly, "Moooooom. Can we just go?!? I'm melting - I'm MELTING!!!!"
12/2: Brooklyn to Cameron: "Do the kids at school ever call you names?" Cameron: "Yea, all the time." Brooklyn: "What do they call you?" Cameron: "Cameron."
12/1: I read Cameron a bedtime story about Christmas that ended with a line that said, "And that is why the greatest gift of Christmas is the gift of love." Cameron looked at me confused and said: "What? That's not the greatest gift of Christmas. Ashley: "It's not? What's the greatest gift of Christmas?" Cameron paused for a second and thought deeply and then answered, "Guns."
9/21/2015: Brooklyn: "I don't know if I want to be a mom. It seems sooooo hard. The only good part is that you get to stay up all night."
6/5/15: After buying the kids a treat at the store for being good and not hearing a "thank you" from them, I said to them all, "I think I need to hear a magic word right now....." Cameron thought for a minute and then excitedly exclaimed, "Oh! BAZINGA!!!!"
5/15/15: Cameron to the tattooed worker installing our countertop: "Hey. All those stamps on your arms make you look like you'll go to jail."
4/7/2015: Ashley: "Cameron, come here - I want to squeeze you to pieces and eat you right up!" Cameron (sincerely alarmed): "No!!!!! You can't! - JESUS MADE ME!!!!!!"
3/24/2015: Cameron was falling asleep in the car at about 5:00. Luke said to him, " Cameron, don't fall asleep." Cameron replied, " I'm not falling asleep. I'm just taking a little break from being awake."
3/18/2015: This morning when I woke up, Cameron was standing right by my bed and he looked like he had done something very wrong. (You know - the guilt face.) I asked what happend and he said very regretfully, "Mom........ Olivia married me." And I wasn't invited!?!??!
3/11/2015: While flying in an airplane, we hit some turbulance and Cameron announced loudly and extremely calmly: "Mom. We're not going to make it. We are all just going to die."
2/1/2015: Cameron was being more grumpy than usual one morning and kind of pouting in his room. I asked him what was wrong and he said, "I just HATE being so handsome!"