Our New Year's (Not-So-Resolute) Resolutions

Growing up, I always thought New Year's Resolutions were over-rated.

Mine were always completely dead by January 6th (OK, 4th).

Plus, they were boring.
And we don't do boring.

So, this year instead of the normal New Year's Resolutions, I have insisted on a new (and possibly improved - I'll let you know in a year) system. I wrote down 10 "fill-in-the-blanks" and Luke and I had to (that's right...) fill in the blanks.

And so, my 2010 New Year's Resolutions are as follows.

This Year I Will:
* Be better at: Smiling more and faking it less
* Learn how to: Finally use my camera
*Make myself: Not be offended
*Improve at: Reading scriptures and saying my morning prayers
*Be: On time to church!!
*Try harder to: Get out of bed
*Enjoy: The journey
*Make a habit of: Telling my family I love them more.
*Stop: Yelling. So loudly.
*Make: 2010 the best, happiest, and most productive year on record.

In 2010, I'm also hoping to:
-Write a book
-Finish my long-overdue scrapbooks
-Get pregnant

Watch out 2010.
Here we come.

P.S. Would anyone buy my book if I really did write one?
P.S.S. Totally kidding about getting pregnant.
TOTALLY. KIDDING.
P.S.S.S. What are your 2010 Resolutions?

"If You Give A Girl A Gift" By Ashley Webb

Among the glorious gifts we received this Christmas, was this charming little book (complete with matching stuffed animal) called, "If You Give A Moose A Muffin".It's a darling tale of, well, what happens if you give a moose a muffin.

And here is the Webb Family tale of what happens if you give a girl a gift.

"If You Give A Girl A Gift"
by Ashley Webb
If you give a girl an Erasable Color Top Discover and Learn table and chair set, they will want to color on it all morning.

but eventually you will have to drag them back in to finish opening presents, and then that girl will want a Little Pony Dream Castle.
If you give a girl a Little Pony Dream Castle, it will remind her that she's a princess, and she will want a Snow White Princess dress.
If you give a girl a Snow White Princess dress, she will want a tiara. And while she's at it, she'll decide that she wants to be a Snow Fairy Queen instead.
If you give a girl a Snow Fairy Queen dress, she'll decide that being a queen is no fun and she'd rather be a boy. So, she'll ask for a tool box.
If you give a girl a tool box, she will get tired from all the hammering, and ask for a book to read while she takes a break.
If you give a girl a book to read, she'll cut her finger on one of the pages and ask you for a Band-Aid.
And if you give that girl a Band-Aid (especially if it's a Curious George Band-Aid), she will think it's the coolest Christmas present ever.

The End.

Some of you...

.. have already seen this.

And some of you have not.

I'm sorry I couldn't send a card out to every last one of you this year, but the Post Office raised the price of stamps by 2 cents (again) and I was forced to boycott.

So blame them.

But for those of you who we love dearly (but not 2 cents worth), here's our family Christmas card.
We hope it's everything you dreamed it would be.


Dear Friends and Family,
Merry Christmas! At this wondrous time of year, we realize more than ever how truly blessed we are with the amazing family members and close friends we have been given. We are grateful for our relationships with each of you and wish you all the best this holiday season and in the upcoming year.

Here's what our little family has been up to lately...

Luke

Is in his second year of Medical School at DMU and is doing amazingly well. He still finds a little bit of time to spend at home, which his wife thoroughly appreciates. When he's not studying, you'll usually find him with his nose in a book about political phylosophy...(can we say BORING! ?!).

Ashley

Is busy being a mom and running around with her two crazy girls in tow. When she's not driving, cooking, sewing, taking pictures, waitressing, scrapbooking, working out, or reading you'll usually find her blogging all about the family's ridiculous escapades and random adventures at lukeandashley.blogspot.com

Brooklyn

Is enjoying Preschool and loves being a big sister. She is the family's fashion designer, movie critic, make-up artist, cookie maker, freelance painter, and resident nurse. She loves playing with Aubrey and giggling out of control. She is a joy to have in our family and is loved and adored by everyone she meets.

Aubrey

Has 2 speeds: on and off. Aubrey is our avid reader and supreme lover of dolls, bears, and dogs. She recently celebrated her second birthday and is usually found doing whatever her mom is doing, which is just fine. She is a spunky, energetic and caring child who makes our lives meaningful every single day.

Merry Christmas.

We love you all.

My Super Sweet Family Christmas-palooza-fest-extravaganza

Have you ever seen the TV show, "My Super Sweet 16" on MTV? Well, if you're anything like me, you probably scratched your eyes out, banged your head against the wall and wept for future generations. But for those of you who have not been as blessed as I, I'll sum it up for you in one sentence.

Spoiled rotten teenagers get thrown lavish birthday parties complete with D-list rappers, 2-3 brand-new BMW's, thousand-dollar Designer outfits, and any other ridiculous shenanigans their horrible minds can fathom and then they cry the whole time that their helicopter isn't big enough, their pony didn't have enough diamonds on his harness, and their Ferrari is the wrong color.
It's horrible.
But the parties are amazing.

Well, this year, we experienced "My Super Sweet Family Christmas-palooza-fest-extravaganza" and guess what? It was the mother of all Christmas parties. It included goats, horses (LIVE ONES!), Double Dutch, the Limbo, weed killer (which Brooklyn was found playing in TWICE! - a little poison never killed anyone, right?), and money literally falling from the sky. Let me explain...

This is the "real live" goat. His name is Socks.
My kids didn't love him.
This is the "real live horse." His name is Buck.
My kids loved him.
This is a pinata.
At a Christmas party.
Because really... is there a more appropriate time than the family Christmas party to hand kids a baseball bat and encourage them to beat a clown to pieces?
I think not.

And remember how I mentioned money falling from the sky?
Grandma Skidmore (the Christmas-palooza-fest-extravaganza Mastermind) stuffs the pinata with not only candy, she takes it about three steps further and sneaks in things like gloves, stamps, games, books, cars, toys, hair clips, lip gloss, and yes.... money.
And, with candy and money raining down on every side, Aubrey was found reading a book.
I'm not sure whether to be proud or ashamed.
Alright, proud. Definitely proud.

Next came the Man-slayer.
The Conqueror of Pride.
The dreaded spectacle where dreams go to die:

The Jump Rope.
First victim: Jarvis
Second victim: Chance
Third victim: Luke

The Victor: Brennan
He had mad Double Dutch skills that put the rest of the boys to shame.
I haven't seen that kind of talent since Nicole Rodriguez in the 3rd grade.

And finally, came the Limbo.
The Webb girls know how to work it.
That's all I'm gonna say....

"My Super Sweet 16" has nothing on this party.

My own Grandma throws an equally amazing Christmas party every year complete with a White Elephant Gift Exchange the likes of which you have never seen.
It should be televised, I swear.
It broke my heart that I couldn't be there.

But I'm in good hands.
A family that knows how to party just as hard as my own family...
How could one girl get so lucky?

Confessions of a Young-Adult Waitress

Have you all seen the movie, "How to Loose A Guy in 10 Days"?
If you haven't, run (don't walk) to rent it tonight.
Anyway, in the movie, a girl writes a magazine column in which she teaches people "How to..." (fill in the blank). Well, welcome to my very own version.

How to Not Make Your Waitress Hate You

1.) When your waitress walks up to the table, do not pretend like she's invisible. Stop talking to each other and acknowledge that another human being is trying to do her job.
(I once walked up to a table of 2 girls and stood there for at least 30 seconds while one girl finished telling her friend about the infectious disease that she got from her boyfriend who was cheating on her with another one of their friends.
Stop. Talking.
PLEASE!!)

2.) If you have to make more than 2 substitutions, order something else.

(A.D.D. Moment: Do you really want to upset the person who is bringing you your food? - you know, the stuff that you are about to consume? - that you haven't seen being prepared? *I have NEVER, EVER done anything to anyone's food. That's gross. And I would get fired in less than a second. And I'm not that mean. But I certainly wouldn't put it past some of my co-workers. So be nice.)

3.) Last time I checked, forgetting to refill a drink was not punishable by death. RELAX. If you die of thirst in the 2 minutes that it takes me to get a new drink to you, OK, fine. Then you can be mad.

4.) "Please" and "Thank-you" are still the magic words.
Use them.
Often.

5.) Be pleasant. It's so refreshing to take care of nice people. Your waitress will really try to keep you happy if you make her happy too.
Everybody wins.

6.) 10% is tithing. 15-20% is a tip.
Just making sure.

I Bet You Can't Guess...

who decorated our tree this year.

Anyone? Anyone?

OK, fine. It was these two.
I KNOW!!

Who would have thought?

When It Snows, It Freakin' Pours

I'm from California.
In California, there is no snow.

There is no ice.
(Unless it's in the lemon-aid you're sipping at the beach)
There are no shovels.
There are no blizzard advisories.
There is only sun.
Beautiful, warm, delicious sun.

Oh, California.

And by the way, (for all my California peeps who have not had the pleasure of experiencing the Winter Wonderland that is Iowa)
that white crap is cold.
My toes are cold.
My fingers are cold.
My eyes are cold.
My throat is cold.
My ears are cold.
My butt is cold.
There are places on my body that I didn't know existed.
And they are cold.
And so, with the first Snow Day of the year, we spent a quiet, cold, boring, cold day at home. (Did I mention I'm cold?)
And when we could stand the boredom no more...
I worked on Christmas cards...
(Don't you wish you could see the whole thing? You do. You really do.)

and made snowflakes.
Because 4 feet of snow just isn't enough.



P.S. I'm cold.

The Proper Care and Feeding of Aubrey Webb

Dear Future Husband of my newly toddlerized child,

Today your wife left the magical kingdom of Babyland and entered into The Toddlight Zone, a terrifying land of rebellion, tantrums, defiance, and general unpleasantness. As I'm sure by now she has left the Toddlight Zone, danced through ChildWorld, skipped through TeenageTown and made her treacherous way through SingleSuburbs, I hope you know that she never stopped being our baby. And even when you both are blessed with babies of your own, to us she will always be the little girl with pigtails and bows, carrying her dirty blue bear and crawling into our bed in the middle of the night.

And so, being the perfect and generous future mother-in-law that I am, I'm going to offer you my valuable expertise which I'm sure you will find indispensable as you both commence on the wonderful journey of marriage. Because if you so much as think about breaking my daughter's heart, so help me, I will hunt you down and make you cry.

So here you go.
The Proper Care and Feeding of Aubrey Webb

Aubrey likes movies. However, she does not like movies that do not include: dogs, toys, cars, Barbies, Care Bears, green ogres, floating houses, or classical music.

Aubrey likes being chased. Aubrey hates being caught.

Do NOT under any circumstances let her see, smell, or hear (yes, she can hear it) candy if you have no intention of sharing (OK, giving) it all to her.


She has to walk in front. Just go with it.

Do not do anything for Aubrey that she is capable of doing herself. (You may even consider forgoing the whole gentlemanly door-opening thing. Unless you don't mind screaming, kicking, and weeping on every single one of your dates.)

Wear your seat-belt when she drives. Trust me, just do it.

She's fast. So hold on tight.

Aubrey is kind of a wimp, but just give her a Band-Aid (yes, even if it's not bleeding. yes, I know it's a waste of a perfectly good Band-Aid. yes, I know she already has a Band-Aid on every finger. Again, just do it.)

Chocolate Milk.
Write it down.
C-H-O-C-O-L-A-T-E M-I-L-K.
You can thank me later.

And if all else fails,
just love her.
The kid just wants to be loved.

Which lucky for us will never be a problem.
Happy Birthday Aubrey.

I never win anything.

But, in the last month I have won 3 give-aways on peoples blog!
(A CD, a necklace, and earings.)
I'm hoping my luck continues for this one...
http://pepperblossomdecor.blogspot.com/
and for this one too...
http://grosgrainfabulous.blogspot.com/
Check it out.
(But if you win and I don't, we can't be friends anymore.
Just kidding.)

The Good, The Bad, and the Dirty - Vacation Edition

*Warning: the following post is massively long and includes some content not suitable for children. If you would prefer that your youngsters not be influenced by kids who think it is okay to cover themselves in mud, flour, and sand, kindly escort your child from the room.

Because it's about to get dirty.
Viewer discretion is advised.

So, as some of you are now well aware, I recently dragged myself and 2 small children half way across the country to beautiful sunny southern California. That's right, folks. I flew with 2 (count them, 2!!) toddlers BY MYSELF.
It was unpleasant.
And I would do it again in a second.
So, here's the good, the bad, and the dirty - vacation edition.

1.) Disneyland
The Good:
It was free. I'm all about free.
The Bad:
Sister Britt (you'll see more of her in a minute) got locked out of the park. Her ticket had problems and it's a long story, but it wasted an hour of our precious Disney time and was kind of funny until she started crying.
(OK, she didn't really cry - it was allergies. But we didn't know that 'till later.
Therefore, it was not funny. But now it is.)

The Other Bad:
We had ridden 2 rides by 2:30 pm. 2 RIDES!!
(That's an average of one ride every 2 1/4 hours. Not good.)
Everyone and their mom and their grandma and their step-sister's cousins' half-brother-in-law's uncle was there.
It was madness.
But I would do it again.
2.) The Trampoline
The Good:
Seeing my daughter love that trampoline the way I used to.
You know, before my spine started crumbling and my knees went bad and my ankles turned to mush.
The Bad:
Will you look at that face? There is no bad here.

3.) These two:
The Good:
We spent every waking moment together.
The Bad:
Even that wasn't enough.

4.) The Soccer Game
The Good:
We won.
The Bad:
If there is dirt, these girls will be in it.
And there was dirt.
(Look at her hair. That is dirt. DIRT!! And yet, I would do it again.)

5.) The Beach
The Good:
We were at the beach. In November. Without boots, gloves, beanies, or snow jackets.
The Bad:
One of my children may or may not have cried the entire time. She also may or may not have had a legit reason to.
**T.M.I. allert**
(the following sentences are not for the fainthearted)
Aubrey had a poo as hard as a rock and about the size of a small dog that refused to exit the premises. She was bent over in pain and not at all happy.
But one enema later, she was good as new.
You can go vomit now.

6.)Downtown Disney
The Bad: My kid now thinks that this is OK. For the record, IT IS NOT.
The Good:
I count 9 reasons.
7.) The Grandparents
The Good:
We saw lots of them. And that's how I like it.
The Bad:
Aubrey thought that dinner with the Grandparents would be the perfect time to have a flour-fight. She fought the bag of flour. And the bag of flour won.
8.) The Turkey Bowl
The Good:
No one died.
(50 year old men playing sports with 14 year old boys. The odds aren't great.)
The Bad:
There was sand. And if there's sand, well...

9.)Coco
The Good:
Coco is a dog. Aubrey likes dogs. Therefore, one could conclude that Aubrey likes Coco. And one would be correct.

The Bad:
That dog liked to lick her.
On the mouth.
Which she thought was funny and I thought was not.
And yet, I would let it happen again.

Good bye, California. We miss you already.
The end.